Author: Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed., is a Registered
Marriage and Family Therapist.
See more at www.mbcinc.ca
Chapter One
It's Good To Be Home
A Return to Familiar Territory and Seeing with New Sight
May 1986
Returning home from my reflections over a coffee by the lake,
I am on time for my twelve year old son Matt, to cycle home from
school for lunch. I scavenge through the fridge to make us something
to eat and as we chat, he tells me about his news and his contributions
to The Book. I hadn't seen The Book before in all the excitement
of returning home.
It is a large ledger intended for some legal purpose, perhaps
when file notes were all taken in longhand. It has a hard cover,
green leather binding and about an inch thick of lined numbered
legal size pages. Matt hauls it from the kitchen desk and tells
me his dad had brought it home the day I left and told our children
they had to make an entry for every day I was away. It was kept
in the kitchen and Jack supervised the entries. This was to be
the record of what they had done while I had traveled on my Quest
to England and Ireland.
I focus on Matt and leave The Book to read after he returns to
school. Once he has gone, I undertake the daunting tasks of regaining
order in the house. I move swiftly, loading the dishwasher, unpacking
my dirty clothes and starting the clothes washer, assessing what
part of each child's responsibility for their own belongings to
challenge them on first, then find something in the freezer to
prepare for dinner. I plan a barbecue meal. Many of our meals
on the trip were vegetarian. I missed barbecued meat. I take a
break with a glass of lemonade and sit down with The Book to see
what has happened while I've been away for three weeks. Our dog
Pickles, stays close to me. He jumps on my lap and paws at me
to be petted.
There are lots of anecdotes from my daughters about a school
project or test, something they have done with their friends and
what Dad made them for dinner. My letters home are tucked in the
back. It starts out as a fun read.
As I progress, I see that one of my friends has been to visit
on a Saturday afternoon with her daughter. She has two children
from her first marriage, a daughter sixteen, the same age as Kathy,
and a son who is two years older than Matt. Her son and present
husband are not mentioned. They must not have been with her. Our
children have known each other all their lives. We have skied
together in winter and hiked throughout the year on the Bruce
Trail. Pot luck dinners, shopping excursions and meals out, have
been shared. Everyone gets on well, although my eldest daughter
Julia feels left out at times. She is eighteen months older than
the other girls.
Kathy wrote about the visit and how the three girls went wandering
about Oakville in my car. They were apparently delivering packages.
What were Jack and Beth doing while the kids were away? Where
were the boys? A slow burn starts behind my chest bone and my
jaw clenches.
I also see Kathy went to stay at Beth's for the long weekend.
Jack and Matt had been there for dinner when they went to pick
up Kathy. Julia notes in large block letters that she didn't go
and insisted her father drive her home to Oakville on their way
from the cottage. Oakville is considerably out of the way on that
route. She was obviously upset. The subject is not made reference
to again. I'll have to ask her about that.
Had I heard mention of this when I was away? Perhaps some tension
in the tone of a phone conversation had alerted my subconscious.
Did one of them tell me and I blocked it? Funny how things we
do not want to accept, actually register in some region of our
brains to resurface later. Had I been called home early?
Unhappy family interaction is hard on the mental health of all
family members, but especially children. They are powerless to
change their environment. If, when the parents are in conflict,
the child is made the confidant of either or both parent, they
are burdened emotionally beyond their ability to cope. They are
in loyalty conflict. Children who witness behaviour that they
feel they must keep secret from the other parent, stresses their
psyche. They want to believe, love and trust both parents.
Problems with eating, sleep, bed wetting, compulsive behaviours,
withdrawal, aggressive behaviour and lack of ability to form relationships
can result from unresolved parental issues The concern for adult
problems can also effect concentration and academic performance.
Some children learn roles to cope with family conflict. They
may act as a gatekeeper by controlling communication and passing
messages between their parents. Others try to ease the tension
by being a joker, acting foolish and often immaturely. In some
families a child will be a record keeper by keeping score and
holding memories to be revealed in the parental verbal conflicts.
Some children learn to interpret what other family members mean
to say. They explain motives and feelings and tones down the emotional
intensity through telling that things will improve or aren't that
bad. This is often done by a child who is acting more mature than
the parents. Unfortunately, some children learn the role of scapegoat.
By attracting attention away from parental conflict by inappropriate
behaviour the tension between the parents is deflected.
When Beth had asked me how she could help my family while I was
away, I asked her to stay away, and let my children have some
time with their father. From past experience, I knew she was likely
to show up with dinner prepared and a bottle of wine. She would
come in like Jack needed rescuing. He did not. I hoped that he
would understand the challenges of getting all our children off
to school while getting himself ready for work, supervising their
coming and going, preparing meals and shopping for groceries,
packing them all up for weekends at the cottage and in general
he would miss my efficiency and companionship.
It is important that teens have supervision and structure, so
their school work is kept current and they do not get into mischief.
The girls also had the use of my car. I hoped it was being supervised.
Rules are necessary for smooth family functioning. Children need
guidelines. Where was Jack?
I'd wanted him to miss me and welcome me home with open arms.
I hoped he would have a new appreciation of how much effort it
took to keep the house running smoothly. I'd hoped he would appreciate
me and all the effort I put forth for our family. Instead he had
avoided my arms when he met me at the airport. He physically distanced
himself every time I tried to get near him. He didn't even want
to snuggle in bed.
My heart is pounding, my palms are sweaty and my mind races.
I do not like the implication of the words I am reading. Is this
something else I heard over the long distance wires with my mind's
ear that didn't consciously register?
Reading between the lines, as I scan the remaining pages, I see
my daughters had ordered in pizzas with friends over. Matt was
away overnight at one of his chums. A comment insinuates the girls
were left alone until very late one night. They were not sure
when their father got home. I must be aware of my feelings but
not let them control me. I must not just react. I must keep my
thinking brain in gear before I act.
This woman has been a problem between my husband and me in the
past. She is very flirtatious. She finds ways to be with him when
she knows I am committed elsewhere. There has been embarrassing
gossip about them over the years, but I have been assured they
are just friends. My mind in a whirl, I return to responsibilities.
By late afternoon, when my children come home from school, I
am feeling familiar again with the routines of my household and
the beginning to feel some semblance of control. I have used my
anger to fuel my actions. I tackled chores with a vengeance. If
I cannot control some things, like my husband's behaviour and
my emotions, I must control the physical things or I fear I will
go mad. Any outward sign that I have been absent has been packed
away. My newfound inner confidence in my own abilities is raging.
Thankfully, I have the weekend to get over the time differences
and get a grip on myself, before I have to return to work. I do
not feel like the happy relaxed woman I wanted to be, on my return
from an overseas vacation.
I decide to keep quiet about the contents of The Book for now.
I will avoid a conflict. I want to enjoy being with my family
again. My children are full of stories and questions. I am so
glad to be home. We eat outside in the warm spring evening. I
watch Jack and he seems nervous and distracted. I wasn't expected
home until tonight. My early return caught him unaware. I wonder
what plans he had for last night. As I wander the garden, I try
to act as natural as possible. Anxiety grips my heart. Exhaustion
weighs heavily on my body. I am not yet back on Eastern Time.
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ISBN-10: 0973412925
ISBN-13: 978-0973412925
352 pages - soft cover
$24.95
|
|
Author: Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed., is a Registered
Marriage and Family Therapist.
See more at www.mbcinc.ca
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